Two years later...

Oh, HEYYYYY!

When you have 2 kiddos ages 2 and under, some things gotta fall to the wayside for a bit.
This blog was one of those things.
So much has happened in the last year and a half (not the least of which was #babydosolson arriving in Nov 2015, and totally rocking our world with his adorable squishy self)

As we are quickly dancing our way through 2017 (it's FEBRUARY ALREADY!?!), I have been trying to take a look at the way I do life and ask the big WHY.
You know, the whole "being intentional" thing.
I've noticed that so many things I do just because it is how I have always done them, not because it's what is best for me or our family.

January was a fresh, beautiful, new page.
God's grace was overwhelming and the gift of seeing Him uproot habits and build new routines has left me in awe of His love and mercy and kindness.

I have no high aspirations for this blog for 2017. But maybe I'll find the time to record some of what God has done and is doing in my crazy mama heart.

For now, I will leave you with this - my 2017 SOULutions: my prayers for my heart for this year.

(this is one of Ann Voskamp's beautiful free printables, and it can be found here along with many others: http://annvoskamp.com/sticky-notes-signup/)

Till next time (be it next week or next year....or 5 years....the internet lasts forever, right?)
-L

Growing...in more ways than one!

To my vast readership (all two of you ;),

You may (or may not, if you are friends with me on facebook or follow me on instagram) be wondering about my absence from this blog over the past few months.

We found out in March that we will be welcoming another little Olson baby into our family in November! This news has been the source of much joy, fear, excitement, exhaustion, nausea, physical pain, and emotional insanity. Seriously. I've been INSANE. But I'll do anything for this little man. Yes, you heard that right. Another BOY!

When I was pregnant with Jaxon, I started a private blog to document my journey through pregnancy through writing letters to my baby. After he was born, I made the blog public and turned it into a photo book. When I found out I was pregnant this time, I decided to make the blog private again as I walk through this new pregnancy in hopes of doing the same. Jaxon has recently fallen in love with his book and turns through the pages at every opportunity (usually when he has run into my room while I turned my back and grabbed it from the off-limits bookshelf...it is a paper book, afterall :)

So in the few moments that I can steal away to write, I have been going there more often. One day you will have privileges to read it, but for now its just letters between me and my little, growing bambino (known affectionately on instagram as #babydosolson).

Jaxon continues to grow and learn at an exciting pace! We are so thankful for his therapists and all their help through this journey to catch him up on all his milestones. He finally has all of his teeth and has been sleeping SO much better these last few weeks. That is cause for much celebration. He is walking/running everywhere now, and can stand up without any assistance (not even pulling up!) His vocabulary is slowly increasing, His favorite word is "up!". He also responds adorably with "Yah yah!" to almost every question. He also has a fake laugh that he does whenever someone else laughs or says the word "funny". Totes adorbs. He says "baby" whenever he sees one. He says "cracker", and a bunch of animal sounds. He has started copying EVERYTHING. It is so much fun. We cannot believe he will be TWO years old on Sunday!

I think that's about it for the update. I'll humor you with a 24 week baby bump photo before I leave. OH oh! Tim got a new job and we have SO much more family time in the evenings now. Taste of heaven. 

Cheers, friends!
Till next time...

Don't Lose Hearts

Sometimes it's really hard to be real, because you don't want to admit that it's really how you feel or who you have become. 

My journey of motherhood has not been an easy one. 

I want to tell you that it's beautiful and fun and full of love and adventure. 

I want to tell you that it's worth every sleepless night. 

I want to tell you that I love this season of my life. 

But it wouldn't be the whole truth. It would just be the pretty side. 

You see, motherhood IS beautiful and fun and full of love and adventure. 

But it's also ugly and boring and full of brokenness and mundane repetition. 

Motherhood IS worth every sleepless night. 

But too many sleepless nights in a row can cause emotional and physical damage. 

I DO love this season of my life, and when I look into my little boy's eyes I melt at the joy and love he brings to my every day. 

But I also have moments when I hate this season, and wish that I could escape.

My heart aches with pain when I think about this path I have walked the last 22 months. 

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

But I need to remember that it has ALSO been full of good gifts. Full of joys. Full of blessings. Full of growth. Full of healing.  

I find myself struggling to fully embrace this calling of motherhood. 

I've been choosing to complain and point fingers and fight for my own way. 

I'm seeing my heart become bitter toward my child because he needs me. All. The. Time. 

And toward God, because he isn't making it easier for me when I know He could.  

I don't want to be responsible anymore. 

I want a break. 

I want to do what I want. 

Like read, and take pictures, and paint, and work in peace. 

I want to do something, anything, without interruptions. 

I want to do things that make me feel successful. 

Even as I type this I have tears filling my eyes, because I know I'm scared. 

I'm scared that I'm failing as a mom. 

So I want to run away from it. I've never liked doing things I'm not good at. I'm good at a lot of things, so its always been easy for me to just stick to things I'm fairly confident I can accomplish. 

But motherhood doesn't let me do that. 

Motherhood makes me face my weaknesses and my ugly, sinful heart. 

It pushes me to every possible limit on a daily basis. 

Motherhood reminds me more than anything else in life thus far of this fact: I need a Savior.

It also reminds me that I am a child. A child who needs her Heavenly Father. All. The. Time. 

But unlike me, He never sleeps. He never grows tired or weary. He never lets go of me. He never pushes me away. He never grows bitter toward me for needing Him. He wants me to lean wholly on Him and to let Him care for me. His gaze on me is always one of LOVE, not judgement. Because I have a Savior. Jesus. Even when I spit in His face, throw fits, blame him for my own faults, and worship ease and pleasure, He welcomes me still. He holds me. He calms me. He forgives, heals, and restores me.

Oh to live with THOSE truths in front of my eyes through every day, guiding my thoughts, words and actions. 

This was a particularly hard day, and I needed to write. I am so grateful for the gift of writing, because often it is how I sort through the raging oceans of emotions that reside in my heart. And Jesus meets me here, and guides me back to truth. Back to Himself. Always back to Jesus. I love Him. I am nothing without Him. And I find comfort in knowing that even if I utterly fail as a mom, which I am sure I shall, my children have a Heavenly Father who is after their hearts, and will never fail them. 

Hallelujah. 

And goodnight :) 

Seeing Change

Greetings to my vast readership (all two of you ;)

It in sincerely hard to believe that it has been 77 days since I last sat down to write.
I've missed it.
I don't like letting so much time go by.
But it flies, as they say.

I've seen a lot of change in our family in those 77 days.
The big kind of change that sneaks up on you in the ins and outs and ups and downs and same-book-for-the-25th-time-monotony of every day life at home.

Jaxon has gotten two new teeth, has added a myriad of new sounds to his arsenal, has begun to repeat animal sounds (so far we have duck and wolf down pretty well ;), has begun sleeping SO MUCH LONGER at night (happppyyyy dannnccceee!!!), has skyrocketed in his comprehension,  has continued to cruise along any furniture he can reach (and try to eat any unsuspecting item left on said surface), has gotten sturdier standing and taking a few wobbly steps, and has outgrown his carseat and upgraded to the next level. I'm sure I'm missing things.

This morning I had a moment of sheer elation as I watched Jaxon keep walking after I let go and take 6 steps by himself before toppling into a pile of clean laundry. We have been working hard to challenge his core muscles in the last few months. His therapists have been amazing at teaching me ways to play with him so that he is working and doesn't know it. So much of my day is intentional playing. Its a lot harder for me to play all day than it was 20 years ago ;) But I'm learning just as much as he is, and I'm seeing the change come in the little moments. I'm so grateful I have the opportunity to be here for this. To see these moments. It's not easy. But it's so so good.

Hey, twenty fifteen! Let's be friends!

In a few short hours it will mark one month exactly since I last wrote here.
I just went and read through my last few posts.
So much anticipation. So much unknown.
And now just a few short weeks later I'm looking back instead of forward.
I'm looking back at things that I couldn't have even dreamed up the last time I wrote.
A few lines in particular that I wrote make me pause and smile, because I can see God was preparing me for these past 4 weeks.

"I pray for a willingness to let go of what I think I need, to receive what God gives every day. Because He gives GOOD GIFTS. He gives the BEST GIFTS. He gives what we NEED. He LOVES us."

"But mostly I want to be OPEN. I want my heart and my mind and my every single day to be open to whatever God wants to give. I want to be thankful every day for what He gives, knowing that He gives it out of perfect love."

On our way home from Oklahoma, after a day and a half of smooth sailing in our shiny CR-V, jam-packed with all of the belongings that had gotten us through the last 5 months of life, we hit the road for our last day of driving. By that evening, we would be in Fredericksburg!

It was 7am when we left Cookeville, TN. Just 15 short minutes down the interstate, Tim saw flames out the side mirror (you couldn't see through the back because of all the stuff!) and pulled off the road, telling me to get Jax out as quickly as possible. We got out and found that the boxes and suitcases we had strapped onto our open hitch tray were on fire. Tim tried to put it out with a blanket, but it was windy and the flames grew quickly. I called 911, and got Jax out of the way of the billowing smoke while Tim grabbed whatever he could reach out of the vehicle. A few people stopped to help, but it grew so quickly that within 10 minutes there was nothing more we could do but move out of the way and watch it burn. It was unbelievable. We were actually laughing in sheer shock at how BIG the fire was. It was like watching a movie! (and yes, we have video proof!) There was a split second when I realized that my camera, computer and allll my photo back up hard drives were in that burning car and wanted to cry. But I couldn't think about that. I needed to keep Jax warm, and that was all I could focus on. Thankfully Tim had managed to grab a bag of Jaxon's bedding with blankets. By the time the fire department arrived, it was completely burned to the ground. (FYI, gas tanks don't explode in real life like they do in movies....it was a full gas tank and it just kinda made a big POP sound and the flames got bigger.) A sweet lady who goes by "T" stopped and asked if Jax and I wanted to sit in her truck to stay warm (it was 20 degrees out and we were in flip flops because we were dressed for travel in a warm car, not standing on the side of the highway!) She was a gift from God, and while Tim dealt with the fire department and sheriff, Jax and I had fun chatting and staying warm. It was all pretty much a whirlwind, and within two hours of the fire starting, USAA had us in a rental car and on our way home. Looking back, we never felt like our lives were in danger, because we got out of the vehicle before the fire was that much of a threat. But seeing how quickly the car burned definitely overwhelmed us with gratefulness for God's timing in getting us out without a single scratch. I think it was harder and more shocking for our families at home hearing what had just happened that it was for us living through it!

8 more long hours of driving.
Family.
Hotel for the weekend.
Friends.
An empty new apartment.
More family and friends.
Unpacking the belongings we left in storage here.
Insurance. Insurance. Insurance. (I have never been SO thankful for car insurance AND renter's insurance! Thank you, USAA!)
CHRISTMAS!
More friends and family.

So many generous gifts from friends and family, far and near, helped make the transition and settling so much easier. It has been overwhelming seeing God care for us. We weren't in dire need by any stretch of the imagination. We had left plenty of stuff here in storage to get us through. But the gifts and the care and support reminded us that we were not alone. And we are very loved. We don't deserve that. We are so grateful.

I have been astonished at how God sustained us in the midst of it all and has given us so much peace. We were so thankful that all three of us were safe and sound that it didn't matter that we were watching our stuff burn. We were able to laugh, and talk, and do what needed to be done. It was all just stuff. Replaceable stuff. I am naturally the kind of person who holds on to every little thing - the moments, the letters, the dress Tim bought me on our honeymoon, the random glass jar "i might use for something one day." I'm very sentimental. It was easier to let go than I ever imagined. That, my friends, is God's kindness and grace to my heart. It is the only explanation.

It took a solid week and some crazy hormones for it to really sink in what we had lost. I hadn't cried at all until that point, and the waterworks turn on full force. Of the thousands of dollars worth of possessions traveling with us in that vehicle, the things I am grieving are the irreplaceable ones. The years upon years worth of photos I have taken, many of which I never took the opportunity to print. Gone. The years upon years worth of personal writing and projects I have worked on and things I have designed. Gone. In the blink of an eye. And I miss them. I want them back. They feel like a part of me gone missing. It sucks. This world is broken, and fires can destroy things and wreak chaos. It's not at the forefront of my mind most days, but I feel the loss of those things deeply, and at moments it hits me when I'm not expecting it. But Jesus came to redeem those broken pieces of life too. I have to believe that if God took those things away, I didn't need them anymore. Because He is good in all of His ways, and He loves me.

But there is a flip side. A part of me that feels deeply that God is writing a fresh chapter of my story filled with fresh grace. My heart hears the call to "forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead." To "press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." To open myself more fully to who He wants me to become in this new part of my story. A chance to take new pictures, and to do something meaningful with them instead of letting them sit on a hard drive (or two, or three :).  A chance to write new things. Create new things. Design new things. A chance to build something new. To choose different doors and opportunities. Something different than what we had before. I truly believe that everything God has stripped away has opened us up to welcome new and different things this year.

2014 was a doozy, and I can't say I'm sad to see it come to a close. But we grew so much. Vale la pena. It was worth it. And I know 2015 will be worth it, whatever it holds. I'm so hopeful thinking about the story God is writing with our lives. Our days are so full of real and raw struggles. Hurts, fears, selfishness and sin in all their flavors and colors. We fail at loving God the way He deserves. We fail at loving each other the way we promised to. We fail at loving our neighbors as ourselves. We fail at valuing what matters, and care too much about stupid things. We waste time, we fight for our own way, we forget we aren't alone and become overwhelmed and paralyzed by our burdens. But Jesus loves us. Just like that. Jesus uses sinners like us in a broken world to build an eternal kingdom that cannot be shaken. God doesn't tell us to clean up our act and then come. He just says COME! We are three people in a BIG, GOOD, ETERNAL story of God's redemptive love. I want more than anything this year to press into that Love more deeply every day and to know Him in every moment. I know that will be a struggle too. Because I forget so quickly that He is all I need. But even when I am faithless, He will always remain faithful. Hallelujah.

So, 2015, let's be friends, shall we?

Post by JJ Heller.

The Countdown

Whew. Time seems to be flying faster than usual these days.

How did we get from 40 days to 8 days in the blink of an eye?
My heart is a whirlwind of emotions when I think about what the next few weeks will hold. 

Packing. 

Playing. 

Packing.

Hanging out with Carly & Hannah. 

Packing. 

Listening to Christmas music. 

Packing. 

One last night of duty for Tim. 

Packing.
(Ok, lets be honest...all of the above happened just today :) 

A few days of eating out since we will have to pack up our kitchen. 

Saying goodbyes to my sweet friends here. 

Driving. 

Sleeping.
Driving. 

Sleeping. 

Driving. 

Saying sweet HELLOOOOs to our families and friends at home. 

Settling into our new apartment. 

Getting everything out of storage.
Getting rid of all the things I have lived without and now know I don't need cluttering our space. 

DECORATING FOR CHRISTMAS!
Celebrating and savoring the God who took on this crazy broken humanity because He loved us too much to let us die in our sins. Grateful for the shereadstruth advent devotional that is bringing me back to the story that changed EVERYTHING. My soul is being drawn to worship my Creator, my Lover, my Rescuer. I need that in this season of change. I need to remember every day that my God never changes, and has been here for eternity, with no beginning and no end. Be still my soul.

I'm excited to be heading home next week. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling nervous too.
It's been 5 months.
I have changed.
Tim has changed.
Jaxon has changed.
All of our friends and family have changed too.
I feel nervous about going home and everything being different.
I feel nervous about finding my place again.
I'm sad that our apartment is so far away from our church.
But I'm thrilled that we will be neighbors with Tim's brother and his wife, as well as our good friends who have a little boy Jaxon's age.
There are so many AMAZING things about going home.
I cannot wait to see our parents and siblings get the chance to get to know Jaxon now.
I cannot wait to worship and fellowship and be challenged and grow with our church in King George.
We have deeply missed our church body.

Just like I said in my "Turning 27" post, my heart's prayer is that I will be open.
Open to whatever God has in store for this new season.
I pray for grace to trust God's hand at work in all of our relationships, near and far.
I pray for a heart that is following hard after Jesus, bringing all my weaknesses and fears to Him every day and letting Him fill me with His Spirit and grace.
I pray for a willingness to let go of what I think I need, to receive what God gives every day. Because He gives GOOD GIFTS. He gives the BEST GIFTS. He gives what we NEED. He LOVES us.
I want that love to change me everyday.
I want that love to change the kind of wife I am, the kind of mama I am, the kind of friend I am.
I want to throw off my fears and welcome people in to share our life with us.

So here's to the next 8 days and beyond.
May the boundless love of Jesus hold you fast.
Love from a fellow pilgrim,
Lindsey

Baby Milestones: 14 Months

After a miserable few weeks for Jax, full of clingy days with mama, extra nursing, very little sleeping, lots of fussing and crying, his front top left tooth FINALLY broke through! 

Gone are the hillbilly days - we have all 4 front teeth officially in place on top and bottom (8 total)! Steaks will be on the menu soon :) 

Along with this breakthru (see what I did there?) has come SLEEP. Sweet, sweet, precious, amazing sleep. Over the weekend we had nights with 6, 8, & even a 9 hour stretch! God has been gracious and I have been able to fall asleep more quickly, which makes a HUGE difference. He also just went down for a nap with no crying. He yelled once or twice, then found some little toys to play with, and just fell asleep. It feels like we are finally making progress in the sleep department! 

Jax has really started cruising along the furniture this month. He pulls up on anything and everything to stand, but if he is at the couch, he does a great job getting around. So fun to see, even if it means keeping more things out of reach. He will even stand for a few seconds by himself occasionally! Little things that are BIG things! 

He continues to be a little sneak when it comes to putting ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING in his mouth. He has gained a fascination with spitting things out into his hand. This is sometimes great (when its a rock or piece of paper), but sometimes not so great (when its the baby food I just spooned into his mouth, or cows milk he just took a big sip of from his big boy sippy cup)! Keeps life exciting for sure. 

The weather in Lawton finally decided it was fall on October 31st. Its been cloudy and cold and windy, with some rain mixed in. Not my favorite, but I'm enjoying my hoodie and cozy pj pants. 

The biggest news is probably that I am finally down to counting DAYS till we return home instead of WEEKS! Lord willing, 40 days from today we will be pulling into Fredericksburg! We have a lot of fun things planned in the next 40 days, so it should fly by, making memories along the way. So grateful. 

Sorry, no pictures today! Check out instagram for the latest and greatest ;) 

Cheers!