Don't Lose Hearts

Sometimes it's really hard to be real, because you don't want to admit that it's really how you feel or who you have become. 

My journey of motherhood has not been an easy one. 

I want to tell you that it's beautiful and fun and full of love and adventure. 

I want to tell you that it's worth every sleepless night. 

I want to tell you that I love this season of my life. 

But it wouldn't be the whole truth. It would just be the pretty side. 

You see, motherhood IS beautiful and fun and full of love and adventure. 

But it's also ugly and boring and full of brokenness and mundane repetition. 

Motherhood IS worth every sleepless night. 

But too many sleepless nights in a row can cause emotional and physical damage. 

I DO love this season of my life, and when I look into my little boy's eyes I melt at the joy and love he brings to my every day. 

But I also have moments when I hate this season, and wish that I could escape.

My heart aches with pain when I think about this path I have walked the last 22 months. 

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

But I need to remember that it has ALSO been full of good gifts. Full of joys. Full of blessings. Full of growth. Full of healing.  

I find myself struggling to fully embrace this calling of motherhood. 

I've been choosing to complain and point fingers and fight for my own way. 

I'm seeing my heart become bitter toward my child because he needs me. All. The. Time. 

And toward God, because he isn't making it easier for me when I know He could.  

I don't want to be responsible anymore. 

I want a break. 

I want to do what I want. 

Like read, and take pictures, and paint, and work in peace. 

I want to do something, anything, without interruptions. 

I want to do things that make me feel successful. 

Even as I type this I have tears filling my eyes, because I know I'm scared. 

I'm scared that I'm failing as a mom. 

So I want to run away from it. I've never liked doing things I'm not good at. I'm good at a lot of things, so its always been easy for me to just stick to things I'm fairly confident I can accomplish. 

But motherhood doesn't let me do that. 

Motherhood makes me face my weaknesses and my ugly, sinful heart. 

It pushes me to every possible limit on a daily basis. 

Motherhood reminds me more than anything else in life thus far of this fact: I need a Savior.

It also reminds me that I am a child. A child who needs her Heavenly Father. All. The. Time. 

But unlike me, He never sleeps. He never grows tired or weary. He never lets go of me. He never pushes me away. He never grows bitter toward me for needing Him. He wants me to lean wholly on Him and to let Him care for me. His gaze on me is always one of LOVE, not judgement. Because I have a Savior. Jesus. Even when I spit in His face, throw fits, blame him for my own faults, and worship ease and pleasure, He welcomes me still. He holds me. He calms me. He forgives, heals, and restores me.

Oh to live with THOSE truths in front of my eyes through every day, guiding my thoughts, words and actions. 

This was a particularly hard day, and I needed to write. I am so grateful for the gift of writing, because often it is how I sort through the raging oceans of emotions that reside in my heart. And Jesus meets me here, and guides me back to truth. Back to Himself. Always back to Jesus. I love Him. I am nothing without Him. And I find comfort in knowing that even if I utterly fail as a mom, which I am sure I shall, my children have a Heavenly Father who is after their hearts, and will never fail them. 

Hallelujah. 

And goodnight :)