#SheReadsTruth

A few months ago a friend introduced me to the website/blog/app/instagram of #SheReadsTruth. (If you haven't heard of it before, check it out here: http://shereadstruth.com/ - right now the app is only for apple based products, but the android version will be released soon!) Its daily bible reading plans and devotionals to encourage us to be in God's word every day. They have online resources, as well as printed study guides for their devotional plans, and all sorts of beautiful truth-filled image posts and lock screens for your phone to help us keep the truth in front of us all day long, in whatever ways help you best.

God knew it was exactly what I needed for this season of my life.

In the past, it was mostly easy to be in the word every day. I didn't have to try find room for it. Even when I had 5,000 other things going on (I was one of the unofficial social activities coordinators of my friends :), I wasn't responsible for any other humans, and I was able to rearrange my days however I wanted, aside from work, school, and being home for family dinner most nights.

But that really changed when I got married. Taking two lives and embarking on the journey of making one life together was more challenging than I had anticipated in the little day to day aspects. Suddenly every decision I made about how I spent my day (and my money, and my energy, and my free time...) directly effected someone else. Two years later, add a baby, and lets just say the responsibilities I juggle haven't decreased :)

I have really struggled through the last three years to make time in God's word a priority. I am grateful, looking back, because I learned more deeply than ever before during that season that God doesn't love me any more or any less for my "spiritual disciplines"; He loves me. Period. God cared for me and fed me, even when I was hardly ever cracking open my bible. But I trusted in myself far too much and found myself at my wits end frequently. My soul was thirsting. I am grateful He is drawing me back to His word now, and begging Him to increase the desire. The #SheReadsTruth app is helping me with daily reminders right at my fingertips. I want His word to dwell RICHLY in me, and to move me and change me. I want it to be on the tip of my tongue for speaking truth to myself and others. I want to KNOW it, and by it KNOW Jesus.

That brings me to today. Day 8 of the "Open Your Bible" study plan: "Engage It Emotionally".
For this particular study plan, they made a pay-what-you-can printable download study guide. I have never purchased their study guides, so I thought I would give it a try. I honestly usually hate devotional study guides, because I feel like the questions are silly and don't reach my heart. But these devotionals have been so relate-able that I figured it was worth a shot. It's still doesn't always feel natural, but the questions are simple and have been giving me direction to dig deeper into my heart and into God's word.

Today's 1st prompt was this: "Be still and quiet for a bit. Think about how you are feeling right now. What is going on in your life? How are you feeling about those things? Make a nice long list, finding comfort in the knowledge that God knows you, your circumstances, and your emotions."

Time to get real.

Its hard to juggle all of my responsibilities. Meal planning. Grocery shopping. Cooking. Cleaning (we can pretend I do that ;). Feeding Jax (and Tim, and myself!). Being a friend to people here. Trying to stay connected to friends and family back home (and all over the world, really!) Practicing skills with Jax every day. Exercising and taking care of my body. Keeping Christ the center of it all.

I feel overwhelmed to the max most days. I feel like I should be able to handle it all, but I can't. I feel inadequate. And I feel like everyone around me doesn't feel that way. They all seem fine, and it makes me feel alone. Weak. Stupid. Scared. I know its not true, and that everyone struggles. But I feel like I struggle worse. That my life is harder and its not fair. I wonder what people think of me. 

Prompt #2: "What do you really believe God thinks about your humanity? Talk with a fried and see what they think too. How might Psalm 42 clue us in to God's heart for our hearts?"

After reading the Psalm, I don't think God wants us to despair of our humanity. He knows we are weaker than we ever think we are. He loves us. He wants us to HOPE in Him. He isn't disturbed by my humanity. He made me and knows my every word and step before it happens. I can trust Him with my human-ness. My emotions. My hopes. My fears. My joys. My weakness. My talents. My thoughts. My creativity. I need to remember that I am made in His image, and for His glory. He delights in His creation. He delights in me.

Prompt #3 really took me by surprise though. It's not where I would naturally have gone.
"Pray that God would forgive any unrighteous emotions you have, and that He would teach you how to glorify Him with all of your self."

As I began to pray, with that prompt in mind...it made sense. The unrighteous emotions and fears in my heart reflect unbelief and distrust of God's goodness, and that He is who He says He is and who He will always be. My fears of inadequacy and comparing myself to others fly in the face of the GOSPEL: that I will NEVER be enough, Christ is MORE THAN ENOUGH, and He is all I will EVER need.

I want to live in the freedom of the gospel, FREE from bondage to expectations (my own and others!) and comparison. And I want YOU to live free in the gospel too, my friends. (I pretend that people actually read my blog, because it helps me write better :) I pray that God will sustain us, and energize us by His grace today to accomplish the good work He has prepared us for, and that we would throw off anything that is hindering us from that today. And for me today, it was unrighteous emotions and fears that were hindering me from living, drinking, breathing the gospel.

*This blog post made possible by the almost-two-hour nap Jaxon took this morning. Many thanks, my son :)

Life in Lawton

Some things I don't want to forget:

- That man riding a horse on the side of the road, holding a rope leading another horse, being ridden by two small kids. 

- That wrinkled old woman driving her truck and her back tire was totally gone - driving on a rim.  We stopped to help her, and she basically said she was fine and drove off again. We followed her to make sure she got somewhere safely. Her name was "Grandma June", and she lives "Up by the windmills, just over the slick hills."

- The way the wind is always blowing. 100 degrees or 60 degrees, its always breezy.

- Lawton has the CHEESIEST local commercials we have ever seen. Hands down.

- Rodeos are super fun.

- Oklahoma skies are beautiful. Sunrises, sunsets, and clouds.

Baby Milestones: Pulling Up, More Teeth, etc

I forgot to post this the other day, but last week Jax decided to show off his pulling up to standing skills in his bed :)

He also had two more top teeth pop through, making a total of 5 teeth now! 

His latest new skill is finally figuring out how to press the horn button on his "Cars" walker to turn the sounds and music on. He'll bang away on thst button now for a good long while of entertainment!

He has become quite the little explorer lately, crawling wherever his little heart desires, even in new places! He discovered the door stopper and spent a solid five minutes flicking it around. We had to take off the white tips though because he figured out how to pop them off and into his mouth. It is so much fun watching him grow and discover new things for himself!

Mama Milestones

When we left for Oklahoma, I had 3 goals for myself.

1- Write real letters to people. 

2- Get strong again (challenging myself physically was not priority this year with everything else going on)

3- Photograph life for pleasure and catch up on personal photos from the last few years. 

Unfortunately, my camera breaking a few weeks into our time here and my computer working at the speed of a slug have kind of destroyed that last goal. On the up side, my lack of a camera has pushed me to explore other forms of art and I am really enjoying it. My favorite is drawing state outlines and water color painting them along with their state flower. So fun. 

While I haven't been as consistent as I had intended, I try to get a hand written card out to SOMEONE at least every few days. 

Then comes the whole getting strong again thing. The hardest goal for me by far. There are a lot of challenges to finding the right time when Jax is either sleeping (for how long if I'm jumping around the apartment? :) or Tim/someone is able to watch him. I started out doing zumba on the kinect for the first few weeks. Then I spent a few weeks doing full body elliptical workouts in our fitness center, which was SO MUCH FUN. I realized how much harder I push myself when Jax isn't around. I don't know if I have actually ever worked out as hard as during those workouts. I was starting to see and feel muscles that I forgot I had, even doing it only once or twice a week. 

Then I heard about the Devil Dog 5k/10k. At first I was like "yeah, definitely not doing that. I haven't run in sooo long!". But as my body started feeling stronger, I started getting the crazy idea that I should sign up for the 10k. I had run that far before a few times, but never in a race. Even if I walked half of it, I knew I could still finish. A few of the girls here were doing the 5k, but I have already done a bunch of those and I felt like if I was going to run at all, it had better be for something new. 

That's about when I met Bekah. She was a friend of my friend Carly. We were all hanging out at the pool one afternoon, and I mentioned my crazy idea. She immediately said she wanted to do the 10k too. I decided to not let the fact that she had run a marathon last year intimidate me. She wanted to run with me. So I said great. And we set a date to run a few miles. The race was only a few weeks away. I think when all was said and done, we ran together 4 times before the race. 2.5 miles, 3 miles, 4 miles, and then a 2 mile run/walk two days before the race. Sometimes we ran with Jax in the stroller (not the jogging stroller, so it was a lot harder!), and other times Tim or Carly watched him so we could focus on our pace. Pushing myself to do the 4 miles was the biggest factor for me. It reminded my mind and my body that I really COULD do this. Bekah was so great to keep pace with my slow self and keep enough conversation so that it went by quickly :) 

Keep in mind, it had been averaging about 100 degrees here in Lawton, Ok this month. When we started running, it was about 75-85 in the morning when we ran, but we were definitely sweating and the sun was beating down by 9am. 

Day before the race: Bekah and I both got head colds. 
Faaaantastic. Snot dripping. Coughing up phlegm. The works. 

Race day morning: 50 degrees. That is 25 degrees colder than what we have been running in. It felt like WINTER. It was so cold. I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. We bundled Jaxon up, so he could ride in the stroller while Tim ran the 5k with him. 

Going into it, Bekah and I had said we would try to run 3-4 miles before taking a walk break. 
As we got going, keeping a pretty steady snail pace, the sun got higher (behind clouds), and it reached a really perfect temperature for running. 

We were pretty sure we were the last 10k runners for most of the race, but about the 9k mark a waterboy assured us that we were not. Apparently a van follows the last runner, maybe in case they have a heart attack. We might never know. 

We turned the last corner, and the Marines were telling us to sprint. Ha. Fat chance. We are not marines. But there was this older guy ahead of us, kind of half limp running. We looked at each other and decided we could run fast enough to beat him. Some annoying kids who had finished the race already came back and ran behind us pretending like we were beating them to help motivate us. They didn't know we were running faster because of the old guy, not them ;) 

Our 5k friends had stuck around to cheer us on as we came through the final stretch, and Tim and Jax were waiting just over the finish line. 

We finished in approx 1 hour and 17 minutes (official chip times aren't in yet.)

Oh, did I mention I RAN THE WHOLE THING???? No walk breaks (besides when i was grabbing water cups/drinking for a few steps). That was huge for me. It really meant way more to me to run the whole thing than to run fast. I could never have done it without Bekah keeping pace with me. There are only a handful of Marines at Fort Sill since its an Army fort, so doing a 10k with only like 50 people isn't nearly as motivating as a race with 8,000 people. Having a running buddy was exactly what I needed, and I'm so grateful God crossed our paths. 

Also, I can't forget to mention the fantastic race shirt design.

(Doesn't everyone want a devil dog with blood dripping out of its teeth on their shirt? This is what nightmares are made of, people!) 

So basically, all that to say, I feel like I've met my goals for Oklahoma, and we aren't even halfway through our time here! Maybe I should make more goals. Or mayyybe I should just enjoy the rest of my time here, and feel happily accomplished :) 

I'll decide later.
<3

The Best Accident Ever

Three nights ago, I went to bed as usual. 

Or so I thought. 

I fell asleep, and woke up 8 hours later. 

Wait, WHAT?!? Jax has been getting up every 2-4 hours all night long ever since we got to Oklahoma. When I woke up, Tim was getting up to get Jax because he heard him crying. I immedietely realized that I had forgotten to turn the baby monitor sound back on before I went to sleep, and the lights are too far away to wake us up. 

I felt equally terrible (how many times was he up crying that we didnt hear?) and wonderful (THAT WAS THE MOST UNINTERUPTED SLEEP I HAVE HAD IN OVER A YEAR!!)

I got up and took Jax from Tim and nursed him. He seemed no worse for wear. 

I brought him into my bed as an apology for him to get his last hour of sleep before Tim had to get ready for work. 

As I settled myself back down into bed, I couldnt help but feel that maybe, just maybe, that was the best accident for all of us. Maybe we all needed to learn that Jax can wake up, cry, and settle himself again without needing to be fed, and be just as happy in the morning. Maybe we needed to turn the sound off more often.

So the next night we kept the sound off, but cracked our door so we could hear if he REALLY needed us. He slept 6.5 hours, ate, and slept another solid 3 hours. 

Last night we did the same thing, and he woke up after just 3.5 hours. By habit, I closed our door all the way when I went back to bed. I had woken up with a runny nose and sinus pressure, so I was pretty beat. I woke up 6.5 hours later.  We checked on him and he had clearly been awake at some point because his blankets were all over the place. But he was soundly back asleep. This was the first time in my memory that Jax slept past 7am (it was 7:05 ;)

It wasn't some well plotted plan, but I think ALL of us are benefitting from this happy accident that has provided more sleep than we have known in months! 

Maybe I'll be a normal human again one day yet!

Baby Milestones

Since I'm no good at real life journaling, I am also no good at baby books. So I'm going to try to keep track of "firsts" here. Let's get up to speed: 

Smiling - 6 weeks

Rolling over - one fluke at 7 weeks; consistently at 6 months

Sitting up - 10 months

First two teeth (bottom front) - 10 months

Crawling - 12 months 

Pulling up to knees - 12 months

3rd tooth (top right side) - 12 months

Started banging toys together - 12 months

Moving forward and backward in walker - 12 months 

Swallowed real non pureed food (avocado) - 13 months

Gave Mama her first 8 hours of sleep (because she forgot to turn on the monitor) - 13 months 

Do you see that?! Most of that "12-13 months" stuff has happened in this past two weeks. It's like he is growing and learning right before our eyes. So grateful. Treasuring these moments. 

Year One: Part Four (Aka: The Song That Never Ends)

It's 12:42pm, and Jaxon just went down for his first nap of the day.
Teething is upon us once again, and nothing is predictable.
But I'll take naptime whenever I can get it.

I left off at the end of TBS, when I had reached a breaking point.
Like, for real, y'all. I was o.v.e.r.w.h.e.l.m.e.d.
I sent S.O.S. messages to my close friends.
I begged for prayer for grace to respond in trust and love in serving my family instead of reacting to my circumstances out of my selfish, rebellious heart. I was being held and carried by those prayers. Jesus answered those prayers. It was a hard season, but it was a relatively short season. We were getting ready to move, and so many family members and friends stepped in to help shoulder our load and meet our needs. Friends helped us pack, cleaned our house, made us meals, made phone calls to repair our window AC unit for us, and poured out love and encouragement. I was desperate, and God met my needs through so many people. It is a humbling thing to accept help. You have to admit that you have needs. I had reached a point where I couldn't pretend I could handle it or had it all together anymore. I am so grateful.

Guess what? It's 12:52 and Jax just woke up fussing/crying. I was most definitely hoping for more than 30 minutes after being awake since 6:30am (and getting up 3 times last night!)

The end of June, Tim graduated from TBS. He was able to take off 3 whole weeks, which we filled with packing, swimming, spending time with family and friends, saying goodbyes, and preparing for a 25 hour road trip with an 11 month old :) While it wasn't exactly a "vacation", it was most definitely sweet time together.

On July 10th, after spending the morning at MCV in Richmond for Jaxon's brain MRI (talk about last minute haha), we locked up our storage unit, packed up the CRV, swept the floors one last time, and said goodbye to our first apartment. 715 William Street held three sweet years of marriage, growing, stretching, becoming parents, and lots of friends. The end of an era, for sure. But the adventure ahead felt so right that it wasn't as hard as I had imagined to say goodbye. No tears. Just happy to be on a new journey together as a family of three.

We took 4 days to get out to Oklahoma. Stopping every few hours to feed Jax helped us take our time, and enjoy the trip. He was seriously the most amazing little traveler. We stopped in Chattanooga to visit old friends. We spent a day in Nashville exploring and met up with other friends. We drove through Arkansas for the first time in either of our lives. We hit Oklahoma, and on July 14th we moved into our new apartment - the little place we call home for this season.

God has been gracious and we connected quickly and easily with a few of the other USMC couples here who live in our apartment complex and across the street. While none of them have kids, they all adore Jaxon and its so much fun to see him bring joy to others. We spend lots of hot mornings at the pool, and lots of hot afternoons inside playing with toys and watching tv shows.

So that's how we got to August 9th, where this whole story started.
One year with Jaxon Kane in our lives.
One year of more gifts and joy than we could imagine.
One year of more struggle and pain than we thought possible.  

One million reasons to be grateful. 

When all is said and done, we made it. We survived that year by God's amazing grace and we celebrated. 

Jaxon's year as a one year old is already off to an incredible start. He is growing and learning right before our eyes. 

In his very first month as a one year old he has started crawling, gotten another tooth (top one this time), learned the sign language for "more" (which he uses constantly, for everything), started pulling up to his knees, babbling up a storm, going backward and forward in his walker, is knocking blocks together, and is starting to take an interest in listening to books. 

This mama cannot wait to see what the rest of this year holds. 

And I certainly hope to be better at recording the stories here. The good, the bad, the ugly...and Jesus!

One Year: Part Three

It's morning naptime! As I've been writing out the story of this past year, I've come to realize how healing it is for me to process this way. To walk through it again and see God's hand: holding me, guiding me, comforting me. To write it down, to share it, to breathe in His faithfulness and redemption of my story. Onward!

TBS. The Basic School. (Because they couldn't just call it "BS", now could they? :) TBS was a long 6 months. But a good 6 months. It was full of colder weather than I have ever experienced, and that kept me and Jax inside a lot. Tim had at least one week every month in the field where we had no communication. That was hard, but after 10 weeks of very little communication during OCS, it felt pretty easy. It was only 5 days. I could survive. Plus Tim had given me the first of the Hunger games series for Christmas, so I decided to crack that open when he was gone one week. I was hooked.

Jax had a few challenges in the winter months: a bad cold/congestion that lead into two ear infections (one right after the other), which meant two rounds of antibiotic for a boy who did not believe in swallowing anything that was not milk at the time.

During TBS Jenn and I started having Psych night (the last season of our favorite show!). Eventually it morphed into Girls Night, and we added my apartment neighbors Jacquie and Katie. It was so refreshing to have girl time regularly, and not have to leave my apartment. We had lots of fun, and usually ended up watching other shows after Psych ended.

Evenings were the hardest time when Tim was gone. The nights felt long and lonely. It helped so much to have friends  and family stop by or come hang out for the evening. My sis-in-law Sue was a life saver during those 6 months. She was always willing to drop what she was doing and come help me, or keep me company. My mom and mom-in-law were also AMAZING as they took turns watching Jax for a few hours every Monday so that I could do grocery shopping alone. It was such a gift to have that time alone to recharge and get things done. I also spent lots of time hanging out with my friend Rebekah, whose baby Ben is 3.5 months older than Jax. It did my heart good to have a mama friend to talk to about all things baby and breastfeeding and poopy diapers and sleepless nights. They moved 2 miles away during this time, which was GREAT news for me :) So much easier to hang out!

The cold winter resulted in a LOT of snow days for Quantico, so Tim often had long weekends. That was so much fun, even though he had to study a lot. We also enjoyed many weekends with Tim's room mates from Room 113, Frank and Nick, coming to Fredericksburg because we all know TBS sucks. And our place is more interesting. Obviously. Nick's wife, Erin, came to visit every month or so which was super fun too. When our guys would be in the field disconnected from the outside world, we would text each other a lot, especially at night. It was fun getting to know her. Especially when we realized we were both reading the Hunger Games. Score!

I don't think I have ever been so excited for SPRING. And I'm usually pretty excited to begin with. I was so done with winter. So done with being stuck inside. So done with COLD. I was ready for sunshine. Ready to take Jaxon out without having to put 10 layers on him. Ready to not wear socks. We took many walks downtown with friends. We soaked in what we knew was most likely the last spring and summer in our apartment downtown. The place we had called home since the day we got married. We walked to the bank. We walked to the post office. We walked to the farmer's market. We walked to the butcher. We walked to have lunch with friends. We walked for exercise. We walked to have fun.

Then SUMMER arrived! And we SWAM! My mom-in-law's rental house had a pool, and we spent many a day there with Sue, Joe, and Zack (and often Elyse :) soaking up sun and swimming.

In May, on the first day of one of Tim's weeks in the field with no communication, Jax had his 9 month check up. Its not super fun to hear that your baby is about 3 months behind developmentally and that the Dr wants neurological tests and a swallowing function evaluation...and you can't talk to your husband till Friday. It could all be nothing and that he's just slower and catch up eventually. But it felt like another huge thing on my already full plate. My brother was getting married that weekend, my sis-in-law was getting married two weeks later, and we'd be packing up and moving halfway across the country in just two months for Tim's next training school in Oklahoma. Now I had to schedule an esophagram, a neurological evaluation, a genetic evaluation, genetic testing, and a brain MRI. And also get Jaxon assessed by early intervention to see if he was eligible for their therapy services to help address the delays.

Processing all of this without Tim home was emotionally trying to say the least. There was a lot of crying that week. Talking to family helped, but its just not the same as talking to my man. Sharing my heart with the one I share my life with is just different. And I couldn't. About halfway through the week, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell Tim somehow. Even though he wouldn't be able to read it till Friday when he got home, I wrote him a letter telling him everything. More importantly, telling him how I was FEELING about everything. I was so grateful God gave me the idea to do that, because writing it out really lifted a weight from my shoulders. I didn't have to try to remember everything anymore or wonder how I was going to catch him up on it all. It was done and he could read it.

The last night of Tim's week away, he horrifically sprained his ankle jumping into a fox hole with a machine gun. Enter swelling, ice packs, ankle wraps, and crutches. It was awful. And he had to stay off it for weeks (not an easy task for an Olson boy!)

In general,  I was doing surprisingly well with all the craziness going on with Jaxon and finding out we'd be spending 6 months in Oklahoma, and having my husband incapacitated.

But I was finding myself struggling really deeply at moments, and just needing to know people were praying for me and that I wasn't in this alone.

While I wasn't worried about the upcoming tests on Jax, and I was absolutely in love with my precious little man, no matter what delays or developmental issues he might have, I was finding myself angry at moments when I saw my friends' perfectly healthy children. I was not angry AT them, obviously. But I felt anger at the brokenness in Jaxon's body, and that other kids got to be perfectly fine. I felt anger that he doesn't seem to be able to catch a break (pyloric stenosis, surgery, reflux, chronic diaper rash, congestion, two ear infections, a cold, a virus, and developmental delays - all in 9 short months!) while all my friends kids (it FELT like, I knew it wasn't true!) just get to go along their jolly little lives. I KNOW that EVERY child comes with their own struggles. If it isn't physical, it can be emotional, or both and there are kids with WAY WAY WAY harder challenges than Jax has (in fact, the developmental delays don't bother Jax at ALL...he doesn't have a clue he's "behind") I didn't feel these ways all the time, but it hit me at moments, out of the blue, when I wasn't expecting it, and it was very hard for me to know how to handle the feelings and emotions. Tim was so helpful in reminding me that God never promised us an easy baby, but He did promise He would never leave us or forsake us.

I was also struggling at moments with feeling like I didn't even want to have more kids if they were all going to have health problems like this (which, first of all, I have absolutely NO WAY of knowing). I KNOW its irrational thinking...I hate even writing it, because I know it is so wrong. Having health problems doesn't in any way diminish the value of a life. God has used people in AMAAAAZING ways to build his kingdom who struggled with health issues their whole entires lives since childhood (Hudson Taylor, for one!) Even if every single baby we ever have has health problems from birth, it would be our PRIVILEGE to be the ones God hand picks to lead them to Jesus. In fact, I know few people better equipped to be a parent to a child with delays or disabilities than Tim. God has given him such a HUGE love and value for people the world looks at as less valuable because of disabilities. Nevertheless, the struggle was real. But God was truly walking with us.

TBS had been such a demanding school for Tim. I honestly had felt like I was doing almost everything around the house because he just wasn't able to help like he used to. I was happy to shoulder more of the responsibilities during this season. But I was getting to a point of feeling totally overwhelmed with it all BEFORE he sprained his ankle. And then I found out what it's really like to have to do everything. He wanted to help so much, and did way more than he should have, but he REALLY needed to rest and keep his foot up whenever he could at home since he had to crutch around on it all week during school. I was having to get him everything, and do the laundry, and do the dishes, and do...like...everything. He got to hold Jax lots, which was so helpful for me to not have to also be paying attention to him. But I kept reaching moments where my rebellious heart just wanted to scream "I NEVER WANT TO HELP ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!! I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO GET ME THINGS AND TAKE CARE OF ME BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY" (That was the mild version of what my heart was yelling...there were probably some expletives in there :)

I really hate to leave you on that note, but naptime is over and the little man calls! We are headed to the pool :) Catch ya on the flip side!

One Year: Part Two

Sorry about that abrupt ending of the last post.
Life with a 1 year old is unpredictable.
And when you need to sleep, you just need to sleep.

So picking up where I left off. Ahem.
"Sleepless nights and post-pregnancy hormones are not for the faint of heart. Ten weeks away from my Love, with a baby who went from 6 weeks to 4 months left its mark. "

I spent the first half of those ten weeks at home in Fredericksburg, staying busy, and often calling family and friends to come over and keep me company. 

It was hard for me to leave home. 

To leave home meant putting Jaxon out of arms reach in a vehicle where I couldn't see him (I didn't have one of those handy dandy mirrors at the time). 

What if he spit up and choked and couldn't breathe while I was driving? 

How would I know if he needed help? 

What if he died because he was choking and couldn't breathe while I was driving and didn't realize it? 

It was terrifying. Every time. 

Whole car rides were spent straining to hear his little breaths, in and out. Crying wasn't fun, but it was better, because at least I knew he was breathing. I tried to talk myself out of my fears. I knew in my mind that God is the one who holds us and gives us life and breath, and that HE was responsible for keeping Jaxon breathing and alive, not me. But oh how my feelings told me a different story. Car rides were spent praying with every breath of mine that God would just keep Jaxon breathing and keep him from choking and get us to where we were going.

I knew my reactions were wayyyy out of proportion to what was going on. I knew my emotions and hormones were crazy and that I was still being affected by the experiences before Jaxon's surgery. But I couldn't change it. I wanted to be normal. This wasn't me. I was chill, laid back. I had taken care of so many babies with reflux before. I'm not a worrier. I'm not an anxious person. I go with the flow. But suddenly I couldn't. Suddenly I knew what people meant when they say that fear is paralyzing. Most days it was like watching myself from the outside, wishing I could just be normal again. 

I felt responsible. I felt that the weight of Jaxon's little life rested on my shoulders. Tim wasn't there, and it was just me. But I wasn't alone. I knew that. I knew God was with me. Looking back on that season, I know I was held every moment in His arms. The few hours we were able to spend with Tim on some of the weekends were life-giving to my heart and soul. That man can remind me like no other how good God is and how He is FOR us and not against us. He reminded me time and time again that God loves Jaxon more than we do. That God is merciful. Even from far away, and in the midst of his own challenges at OCS, God gave me a husband who cared so well for my struggling heart. I am so grateful for that. 

I think one of the greatest things to come from that time was a deep, raw, real experience of the Love of Jesus that doesn't wait for us to be good enough, or think the right things, or do the right things. The Love of Jesus that comes when we are hurting and weak and lonely and afraid. So afraid. He was there, with no condemnation. I knew He loved me. I knew He wouldn't leave me. He was there with mercy. He was there to listen every time I cried. Every time I said, "God please have mercy, please just keep my baby alive." 

And He did. So much mercy on this mama's heart. 

Tears. Again. Now. Just thinking about it. He was so faithful to walk with me through that valley. 

For the last three weeks of OCS, I stayed at my parents' house. It was a huge relief and help to have people there 24/7 to help share my burdens. I got sick while I was there, and Mom & Dad brought me meals in bed, did my laundry, kept me company, took care of Jax so I could sleep, and prayed with me and for me. It was during this time that I started thinking that my experiences since Jaxon's pyloric stenosis reminded me of things I had learned in biology class about PTSD. I started doing a little research and found out that Postpartum PTSD is actually a thing (http://www.postpartum.net/get-the-facts/postpartum-post-traumatic-stress-disorder.aspx). According to the website, "Approximately 1-6% of women experience postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following childbirth. Most often, this illness is caused by a real or perceived trauma during delivery or postpartum." =Some of the symptoms include, "Persistent increased arousal (irritability, difficulty sleeping, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response); Anxiety and panic attacks; Feeling a sense of unreality and detachment." The discovery that I was not the only one to experience something like this brought a new level of healing and hope. I was able to find words to describe my feelings and experiences that helped me share them better with others and find support and prayer.

Have I mentioned that I have the most amazing family and friends and church in the world? I had so many people surrounding me during this time. So many people praying for me. So many people calling me and texting me and visiting me. We weren't meant to do life on our own. I am so grateful for the community God had built for me there long before I knew what I would be walking through. 

Finally November was almost over, and with it came the end of OCS. Forever. Thank God. 

Tim graduated, and we had a week to spend Thanksgiving with family, visit friends, and begin to readjust to doing life together as a family of 3 (something we had not had a chance to do very long before Tim left for OCS.) He started TBS a week later, but soon Christmas came and we had a few more weeks off. 

And now Jax just woke up from his TWO HOUR NAP! (That's a miracle. Trust me.)

To be continued...again :)