God knew it was exactly what I needed for this season of my life.
In the past, it was mostly easy to be in the word every day. I didn't have to try find room for it. Even when I had 5,000 other things going on (I was one of the unofficial social activities coordinators of my friends :), I wasn't responsible for any other humans, and I was able to rearrange my days however I wanted, aside from work, school, and being home for family dinner most nights.
But that really changed when I got married. Taking two lives and embarking on the journey of making one life together was more challenging than I had anticipated in the little day to day aspects. Suddenly every decision I made about how I spent my day (and my money, and my energy, and my free time...) directly effected someone else. Two years later, add a baby, and lets just say the responsibilities I juggle haven't decreased :)
I have really struggled through the last three years to make time in God's word a priority. I am grateful, looking back, because I learned more deeply than ever before during that season that God doesn't love me any more or any less for my "spiritual disciplines"; He loves me. Period. God cared for me and fed me, even when I was hardly ever cracking open my bible. But I trusted in myself far too much and found myself at my wits end frequently. My soul was thirsting. I am grateful He is drawing me back to His word now, and begging Him to increase the desire. The #SheReadsTruth app is helping me with daily reminders right at my fingertips. I want His word to dwell RICHLY in me, and to move me and change me. I want it to be on the tip of my tongue for speaking truth to myself and others. I want to KNOW it, and by it KNOW Jesus.
That brings me to today. Day 8 of the "Open Your Bible" study plan: "Engage It Emotionally".
For this particular study plan, they made a pay-what-you-can printable download study guide. I have never purchased their study guides, so I thought I would give it a try. I honestly usually hate devotional study guides, because I feel like the questions are silly and don't reach my heart. But these devotionals have been so relate-able that I figured it was worth a shot. It's still doesn't always feel natural, but the questions are simple and have been giving me direction to dig deeper into my heart and into God's word.
Today's 1st prompt was this: "Be still and quiet for a bit. Think about how you are feeling right now. What is going on in your life? How are you feeling about those things? Make a nice long list, finding comfort in the knowledge that God knows you, your circumstances, and your emotions."
Time to get real.
Its hard to juggle all of my responsibilities. Meal planning. Grocery shopping. Cooking. Cleaning (we can pretend I do that ;). Feeding Jax (and Tim, and myself!). Being a friend to people here. Trying to stay connected to friends and family back home (and all over the world, really!) Practicing skills with Jax every day. Exercising and taking care of my body. Keeping Christ the center of it all.
I feel overwhelmed to the max most days. I feel like I should be able to handle it all, but I can't. I feel inadequate. And I feel like everyone around me doesn't feel that way. They all seem fine, and it makes me feel alone. Weak. Stupid. Scared. I know its not true, and that everyone struggles. But I feel like I struggle worse. That my life is harder and its not fair. I wonder what people think of me.
Prompt #2: "What do you really believe God thinks about your humanity? Talk with a fried and see what they think too. How might Psalm 42 clue us in to God's heart for our hearts?"
After reading the Psalm, I don't think God wants us to despair of our humanity. He knows we are weaker than we ever think we are. He loves us. He wants us to HOPE in Him. He isn't disturbed by my humanity. He made me and knows my every word and step before it happens. I can trust Him with my human-ness. My emotions. My hopes. My fears. My joys. My weakness. My talents. My thoughts. My creativity. I need to remember that I am made in His image, and for His glory. He delights in His creation. He delights in me.
Prompt #3 really took me by surprise though. It's not where I would naturally have gone.
"Pray that God would forgive any unrighteous emotions you have, and that He would teach you how to glorify Him with all of your self."
As I began to pray, with that prompt in mind...it made sense. The unrighteous emotions and fears in my heart reflect unbelief and distrust of God's goodness, and that He is who He says He is and who He will always be. My fears of inadequacy and comparing myself to others fly in the face of the GOSPEL: that I will NEVER be enough, Christ is MORE THAN ENOUGH, and He is all I will EVER need.
I want to live in the freedom of the gospel, FREE from bondage to expectations (my own and others!) and comparison. And I want YOU to live free in the gospel too, my friends. (I pretend that people actually read my blog, because it helps me write better :) I pray that God will sustain us, and energize us by His grace today to accomplish the good work He has prepared us for, and that we would throw off anything that is hindering us from that today. And for me today, it was unrighteous emotions and fears that were hindering me from living, drinking, breathing the gospel.
*This blog post made possible by the almost-two-hour nap Jaxon took this morning. Many thanks, my son :)
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