I just went and read through my last few posts.
So much anticipation. So much unknown.
And now just a few short weeks later I'm looking back instead of forward.
I'm looking back at things that I couldn't have even dreamed up the last time I wrote.
A few lines in particular that I wrote make me pause and smile, because I can see God was preparing me for these past 4 weeks.
"I pray for a willingness to let go of what I think I need, to receive what God gives every day. Because He gives GOOD GIFTS. He gives the BEST GIFTS. He gives what we NEED. He LOVES us."
"But mostly I want to be OPEN. I want my heart and my mind and my every single day to be open to whatever God wants to give. I want to be thankful every day for what He gives, knowing that He gives it out of perfect love."On our way home from Oklahoma, after a day and a half of smooth sailing in our shiny CR-V, jam-packed with all of the belongings that had gotten us through the last 5 months of life, we hit the road for our last day of driving. By that evening, we would be in Fredericksburg!
It was 7am when we left Cookeville, TN. Just 15 short minutes down the interstate, Tim saw flames out the side mirror (you couldn't see through the back because of all the stuff!) and pulled off the road, telling me to get Jax out as quickly as possible. We got out and found that the boxes and suitcases we had strapped onto our open hitch tray were on fire. Tim tried to put it out with a blanket, but it was windy and the flames grew quickly. I called 911, and got Jax out of the way of the billowing smoke while Tim grabbed whatever he could reach out of the vehicle. A few people stopped to help, but it grew so quickly that within 10 minutes there was nothing more we could do but move out of the way and watch it burn. It was unbelievable. We were actually laughing in sheer shock at how BIG the fire was. It was like watching a movie! (and yes, we have video proof!) There was a split second when I realized that my camera, computer and allll my photo back up hard drives were in that burning car and wanted to cry. But I couldn't think about that. I needed to keep Jax warm, and that was all I could focus on. Thankfully Tim had managed to grab a bag of Jaxon's bedding with blankets. By the time the fire department arrived, it was completely burned to the ground. (FYI, gas tanks don't explode in real life like they do in movies....it was a full gas tank and it just kinda made a big POP sound and the flames got bigger.) A sweet lady who goes by "T" stopped and asked if Jax and I wanted to sit in her truck to stay warm (it was 20 degrees out and we were in flip flops because we were dressed for travel in a warm car, not standing on the side of the highway!) She was a gift from God, and while Tim dealt with the fire department and sheriff, Jax and I had fun chatting and staying warm. It was all pretty much a whirlwind, and within two hours of the fire starting, USAA had us in a rental car and on our way home. Looking back, we never felt like our lives were in danger, because we got out of the vehicle before the fire was that much of a threat. But seeing how quickly the car burned definitely overwhelmed us with gratefulness for God's timing in getting us out without a single scratch. I think it was harder and more shocking for our families at home hearing what had just happened that it was for us living through it!
8 more long hours of driving.
Family.
Hotel for the weekend.
Friends.
An empty new apartment.
More family and friends.
Unpacking the belongings we left in storage here.
Insurance. Insurance. Insurance. (I have never been SO thankful for car insurance AND renter's insurance! Thank you, USAA!)
CHRISTMAS!
More friends and family.
So many generous gifts from friends and family, far and near, helped make the transition and settling so much easier. It has been overwhelming seeing God care for us. We weren't in dire need by any stretch of the imagination. We had left plenty of stuff here in storage to get us through. But the gifts and the care and support reminded us that we were not alone. And we are very loved. We don't deserve that. We are so grateful.
I have been astonished at how God sustained us in the midst of it all and has given us so much peace. We were so thankful that all three of us were safe and sound that it didn't matter that we were watching our stuff burn. We were able to laugh, and talk, and do what needed to be done. It was all just stuff. Replaceable stuff. I am naturally the kind of person who holds on to every little thing - the moments, the letters, the dress Tim bought me on our honeymoon, the random glass jar "i might use for something one day." I'm very sentimental. It was easier to let go than I ever imagined. That, my friends, is God's kindness and grace to my heart. It is the only explanation.
It took a solid week and some crazy hormones for it to really sink in what we had lost. I hadn't cried at all until that point, and the waterworks turn on full force. Of the thousands of dollars worth of possessions traveling with us in that vehicle, the things I am grieving are the irreplaceable ones. The years upon years worth of photos I have taken, many of which I never took the opportunity to print. Gone. The years upon years worth of personal writing and projects I have worked on and things I have designed. Gone. In the blink of an eye. And I miss them. I want them back. They feel like a part of me gone missing. It sucks. This world is broken, and fires can destroy things and wreak chaos. It's not at the forefront of my mind most days, but I feel the loss of those things deeply, and at moments it hits me when I'm not expecting it. But Jesus came to redeem those broken pieces of life too. I have to believe that if God took those things away, I didn't need them anymore. Because He is good in all of His ways, and He loves me.
But there is a flip side. A part of me that feels deeply that God is writing a fresh chapter of my story filled with fresh grace. My heart hears the call to "forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead." To "press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." To open myself more fully to who He wants me to become in this new part of my story. A chance to take new pictures, and to do something meaningful with them instead of letting them sit on a hard drive (or two, or three :). A chance to write new things. Create new things. Design new things. A chance to build something new. To choose different doors and opportunities. Something different than what we had before. I truly believe that everything God has stripped away has opened us up to welcome new and different things this year.
2014 was a doozy, and I can't say I'm sad to see it come to a close. But we grew so much. Vale la pena. It was worth it. And I know 2015 will be worth it, whatever it holds. I'm so hopeful thinking about the story God is writing with our lives. Our days are so full of real and raw struggles. Hurts, fears, selfishness and sin in all their flavors and colors. We fail at loving God the way He deserves. We fail at loving each other the way we promised to. We fail at loving our neighbors as ourselves. We fail at valuing what matters, and care too much about stupid things. We waste time, we fight for our own way, we forget we aren't alone and become overwhelmed and paralyzed by our burdens. But Jesus loves us. Just like that. Jesus uses sinners like us in a broken world to build an eternal kingdom that cannot be shaken. God doesn't tell us to clean up our act and then come. He just says COME! We are three people in a BIG, GOOD, ETERNAL story of God's redemptive love. I want more than anything this year to press into that Love more deeply every day and to know Him in every moment. I know that will be a struggle too. Because I forget so quickly that He is all I need. But even when I am faithless, He will always remain faithful. Hallelujah.
So, 2015, let's be friends, shall we?
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