Hormonal and Sleep Deprived

Today is one of those days. 

The kind of day that comes after one of those nights. 

The kind of night where your 14 month old (who has never slept through the whole night. Ever.) goes to bed at 8:15pm, fooling you into thinking you can go to sleep. But before you can go to sleep, he wakes up at 10:15pm. So you feed him thinking this will be great and you will get to enjoy the full length of his next stretch of sleep. 

You put him back in bed and snuggle into your blankets. And you enjoy those 15 minutes before he wakes up crying again. 

Teething? Allergies from the dog he was playing with? Who knows. Ibuprofen is the only solution you can come up with. Then feeding him back to sleep. Only he doesnt fall back asleep. So you decide its time to cry it out. And boy is he good at crying it out. Or at least fussing it out. Mostly while standing up. For a solid 50 minutes. Finally quiet. Four beautiful hours of sleep. 

Then crying awake again at 4:20. You get up and feed him. He falls asleep. You put him in bed and he immediately wakes up. You sigh, and tell him you love him but its still nite-nite time. It only takes 20 minutes of fussing this time....before you give up and ask your hubs to get him and bring him in your bed. At least you'll all sleep that way, if not a little more squished on the full-size bed you currently occupy. 

Three more beautiful, only slightly interrupted hours of sleep.

Then its 8am and he is ready for the day. 

Thats how it becomes one of those days. The kind that makes you question everything about yourself being mama. The kind that makes you sit on the balcony cuddling your baby after a fairly unsuccessful morning nap (30 min of fussing+30 min of sleeping), and cry a little while asking God, "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG????" 

But maybe you're not doing anything wrong. Maybe the circumstances don't need to change. But you need to remember that Jesus is with you in the midst of these circumstances. And He isn't scared or tired or weak. And He LOVES you. Oh, how He loves you. And He loves your little one more than you ever could. And He promised to never leave you alone. 

So you breathe in deeply of His Spirit and His grace, and you cling to His promises as if life depends on it. Because it does. 

Its one of those days where you need to tear up the to-do list and just be. Just remember who you belong to. To love on that baby with all your weaknesses and flaws, believing that God hand picked you to be his mama, and has equipped you will all you need to fulfill that calling. 

So here's to the messy, dirty, tiring, exhausting nights that turn into days, that lead us to the cross and let us see ourselves in all our brokenness and know beyond a shadow of a doubt thatwe are   eternally accepted just as we are. Jesus is all we need. Hallelujah.

-------

Beneath the Cross of Jesus (Getty)

 

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I find a place to stand,

And wonder at such mercy

That calls me as I am;

For hands that should discard me

Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."

Beneath the cross of Jesus

My unworthy soul is won.

 

Beneath the cross of Jesus

His family is my own—

Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,

Now one through grace alone.

How could I now dishonor

The ones that You have loved?

Beneath the cross of Jesus

See the children called by God.

 

Beneath the cross of Jesus—

The path before the crown—

We follow in His footsteps

Where promised hope is found.

How great the joy before us

To be His perfect bride;

Beneath the cross of Jesus

We will gladly live our lives.

 

How great the joy before us

To be His perfect bride;

Beneath the cross of Jesus

We will gladly live our lives.