One Year: Looking back, Moving Forward

Whoa whoa whoa. Hold the train. Saturday will mark ONE year since Jaxon came into our world.
In my last post I said I was going to catch up on documenting the first six months of his crazy little life.
Ha.
That was a joke.
This year was a doozie.
We are more tired.
We are more humbled.
We are more grateful.
We are more tired (did I say that already? ;)
We are more crazy.
We are trying to learn to trust more and fear less.
We feel weak.
We don't know what we're doing most all days.
We know we need Jesus like never before. 
We struggle to find balance in our home.
We struggle to communicate well after long days.
We argue about stuff that doesn't matter.
We say hurtful things.
We apologize for being jerks.
We forgive each other.
We love each other more.
We appreciate what each of us brings to our little family.
We feel scared sometimes.
We are so grateful for grace that flows from the heart of our God to lead us and hold us and carry us.

Memories fade so quickly. But this past year has left quite an imprint on my life. On my heart. On every fiber of my being, really.

I became a mama. And with that came more joy than I could have dreamed, and more pain and struggle than I ever knew possible.

Watching your baby hurt and not being able to fix it is an experience like none other. Jax had surgery to correct pyloric stenosis at 5 weeks old. The week before surgery, when we didn't know why he was projectile vomiting everything he ate, losing weight, and becoming dehydrated was the most terrifying and heart wrenching week of my life to date. I can still cry just thinking about it (and tears are welling up without my permission as I type this).  Its not very often that you hear "we have to do surgery" and feel sheer RELIEF. Surgery meant it was something that could be corrected. They discovered the cause on a Friday morning, he had surgery Saturday, and was home by Sunday. It was a gift. We had the most amazing surgeon, Dr David Lanning at MCV. I thought that after that, everything would go back to normal. Jax recovered splendidly, and started gaining weight like a champ. But I was emotionally scarred. Reflux set in just a few weeks later, and every time Jax spit up or coughed or choked in any normal way, every emotion from that terrifying week came rushing back like a flood. It was paralyzing. Tim was gone for 10 weeks for USMC OCS at Quantico. Though he was only 20 miles away, we could only see him for a few hours on some of the weekends.

Sleepless nights and post-pregnancy hormones are not for the faint of heart. Ten weeks away from my Love, with a baby who went from 6 weeks to 4 months left its mark. 

To be continued....